


Overthinking

by SuperRandom1217



Category: Original Work
Genre: (...?), Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Animal Abuse, Asperger Syndrome, Childhood Memories, Current Events, Depressing, Depression, Heavy Angst, Memories, Mental Breakdown, Nervousness, POV Third Person, Past, Real Life, Social Anxiety, Social Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-28
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-03 14:41:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15820965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperRandom1217/pseuds/SuperRandom1217
Summary: Heather - a girl that rarely speaks - is viewed as an irregular in people's eyes....At least that's what she thinks.With memories and past mistakes haunting her, she becomes very harsh on herself and criticises everything she does wrong, with her Aspergers and social anxiety dragging her into a downward spiral.But this school year, it was different.Heather discovers happiness that she hasn’t had for 5 years, meets new people and over that time, they teach her how to forgive and accept herself.(A story about walking the path to recovery)





	1. Suicide isn't an Option

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!
> 
> I wanted to write this as some sort of experiment to begin with . But if all things goes well, I'll continue writing this more seriously! This is written for the three people that I knew that has Aspergers in my life, and I've been given pointers by two of them, so hopefully, this will work...
> 
> Note that I'm still an amateur at writing and I would like to write at my own pace so sorry for the future inconvenience, as I won't update it regularly.
> 
> And I'll admit, every person who has Aspergers is different, really different. But of course, they all share some common habits, which I hope should be somewhat obvious when I write more.
> 
> Alright, I'll see you at the end, bye!

Looking at time slowly ticking away, a sense of dread fills her body with every passing second. Whatever little faith Heather had for tomorrow goes down with it. 

 

Staring at the blank ceiling, her thoughts wash away. The only thing she feels is the ever present fear that grows as the clock ticks away.

 

She wants to  **_die_ ** so badly right now.

 

She tries to think of every possible way to die:

 

‘Go to the kitchen and stab myself’

 

‘Drown myself in the bathtub’

 

‘Jump off the balcony’

 

‘bur-’

 

Images of her family dying flashes through her mind. Her mother’s body lying limply on the floor as a puddle of crimson liquid forms underneath her, her father kneeling in front of the bathtub filled with water, followed by her sister all bones in her body crushed and her neck turned at a painful looking angle after having jumped from the balcony. Heather trembling at the gruesome images her imagination had produced as she realizes the possible consequences her own death may have on others. 

 

Warm yellow light envelops the room, it reminded her of the times where she cried within her mother’s embrace, something she wishes she could have nowadays, but she knows better...

 

‘Nothing can help me...’

 

‘Least… not when I’m in this state.’

 

Her eyes wander around the room as she notices all the dolls strewn around her bed, the boxes of yarn and lastly the sheer amounts of books on a bookshelf that towers her.  

‘No... I must be grateful. They’ve done so much for me already. I can’t burden them anymore. I have to keep going,  **suicide isn’t an option** .’ She pleads herself, but her mind says otherwise.

  
  
  


‘I’ve been blessed with a good family. They’re always gonna be there to help me’

 

‘For five years I have followed this long road, I can do this.’

 

‘I… I…’

 

With all these thoughts rushing through her mind, she has yet to realize the tears rolling down her face as she finally lets in the feelings she’s been holding against; fear, doubt,  **_alienation_ ** . She knows she’s not a normal person; Who would try to do so much horrible things to a family that loved them? Who would continue thinking of stupid fantasies of herself at the age of  **_15_ ** ? Who would overthink about every single-

 

“Heather?” A soft, concerned voice comes from the other side of the door.

 

Quickly wiping her tears, Heather rushes to the door.

 

“Hello.” She deadpans.

 

“Is everything alright?” Her mother asks

 

“I’m fine.” Heather replies. Years ago this response would be greeted by a big smile, now staring back at her mother is but a blank expression.

 

“Alright well… I just wanted to remind you that tomorrow you have to get up early for school, you should go to bed now” Heather’s brows furrow a bit.

 

“Ok, I’ll go to sleep now. Goodnigh-”

 

“Wait, give me your phone first, your dad doesn’t want you playing with your phone when you’re supposed to be sleeping!” Her mother exclaims, opening her palm as Heather’s brows furrow even more.

 

“...”

 

“Heather please, we both know this is for your own good”

 

Repressing her tears, Heather hands her phone to her mother’s waiting palm as she could no longer delay the inevitable.

 

“Thank you, goodnight Heather!” Her mother gives her a reassuring smile, ‘you’ll be ok’, the smile says.

 

“Goodnight…” She closes the door.

 

Walking back to her bed, Heather lies on her bed, her vision slowly becoming clouded by tears. Her only source of communication to her friends, is now gone.

 

Sniffling quietly on her bed, she thinks about tomorrow. Only one thought would wander into her mind...

 

‘Why is it so hard to go to school? my classmates are nice, I’ve got so much support from teachers, the school isn’t as overwhelming as... the previous school.’ She asks herself.

 

‘...’ Of course, these were questions she nor anyone else could answer.

 

Puffy and tired from crying the whole day Heather closes her eyes ‘I’ll sleep my worries away’, and slowly drifts to sleep.


	2. Just Another Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heather wakes up to an intimidating morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya!
> 
> I'm surprised that there's 3 people that gave kudos to the first chap! And to that, I say thank you.
> 
> So, chapters. Some chapters are gonna be rather long and some rather short (and this one is really short), so I've gotta apologise for that in advance, as updates are random as well.
> 
> Anyways, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter! See ya at the end!

The sunlight, still able to pierce through the heavy, thick curtains, glares into her eyes. She turns away from the sunlight and drifts back to sleep, the irritation slinking away, and a sense of peace slowly washes over her.

 

...Unfortunately, it didn’t last long.

 

“HEATHER! Time to wake up!” A booming voice echoes through her room, following, her door opens with a sound of a loud ‘BANG!’.

 

Heather shoots up to a sitting position, her left leg suddenly cramping, she softly groans, clutching her leg.

 

A bulky figure walks from the door to her, it was her father.

 

“Sorry for scaring you, Heather! ...are you ok?” Her father’s voice was filled with concern.

 

“...Does it look like I’m ok?” She glares at her father.

 

“Sorry about that Heather, just relax your leg for now. …And then you’ll have to get dressed for school, and do other things to get ready for… **School**!”

 

Heather deadpans, but in her mind, an inner turmoil boils.’

 

‘Shit. What the hell should I do?’

 

‘I want to fucking die so badly’

 

‘But I can’t be a burden to them anymo-’

 

“Heather, calm down, everything’s going to be ok.” Her father holds her hands, looking down, she realized that she’s been clenching her fists to the point of turning white.

 

She sighs. And asks her father to leave her be.

 

“Alright, but remember, this is **for your own good** ” And her father walks out.

 

Her father, now out of her room, Heather sighs again, then climbs onto her bed and draws the curtains. The sunlight, now invading the darkness in her room, brightens the small room. Looking out at the vast blue skies that she loved, she fantasizes herself riding a giant bird, flying through the skies, feeling the cool breeze and sunlight caressing her skin. She wished the world was more vibrant.

 

...But of course, it's not.

 

‘It’s just another school day. You already know what will happen. Everything will be ok’ She reassures herself, climbing down her bed, she begins dressing for school.

 

...In all honesty, it looks more like a casual outfit than a uniform. The uniform consists of a blue and white checkered t-shirt, and that’s it.

 

Heather puts on a pair of black trousers and grey socks made of cotton and leaves the room.

 

Her mother - a plump woman with shoulder length black, wavy hair - sitting on the sofa, knitting, her mother smiles at her. “Good morning Heather, your breakfast is ready!”

 

Heather looks at the dining table - which is next to a chest, and right next to it, is the sofa - and sees a plate of toasted sandwiches that was prepared for her. Walking to the seat next to the dining table, something blocks her way, something smooth and warm. Looking down, it was her dog.

 

“Einstein! Hello!” Heather puts on a smile and greets the labrador.

 

Einstein looks up at her with an unreadable expression, then repeatedly looks at the dining table and her.

 

“...No, Einstein, that’s not your breakfast, c’mon, up!” Heather commands and the dog stands up and walks back to its bed, looking sorrowfully at the sandwiches.

 

She takes her seat, face shifting to an unreadable expression, she starts nibbling her sandwich. Her mother frowns a bit.

 

“You’ll be okay Heather.”

 

She hums in response.

 

‘No I won’t.’ She thinks.

 

After finishing eating the first one, she stands up and heads towards the bathroom, her mother says “Wait!” before she closes the bathroom door.

 

She walks to the mirror. Looking at herself, Heather frowns. She looked  _ **so**_ ugly.

 

A plump, round, body accompanied with a round face. Her face, a few blemishes here and there, her black thick hair parting in the middle, a permanent frown on her face. Gods, she swears she looks like a female version of Severus Snape sometimes.

 

‘Stop thinking about it. No more negative comments.’ She thinks.

 

Brushing her teeth then hair, she quickly exits the bathroom. Opening the door she looked at her mother. Her mother has resumed her knitting and didn’t look at her and said nothing. Heather felt a pang of concern but walked to the dining table anyway.

 

Her laptop and phone placed neatly on the dining table, she packs her laptop into her bag and shoves her phone into her pocket.

 

Putting her school bag on, taking her lunch from her domestic helper and putting on her shoes, Heather looks at the door.

 

“You ready Heather?” Her father’s voice ringing from her parent’s bedroom.

 

There’s no going back now. She sighs.

 

‘I have to be brave. It’s just another day. I can’t burden my family anymore.’

 

“I’m ready.”

 

She opens the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uhh, about the leg cramping up thing... does anyone else have it? I tend to have it whenever I wake up, even during morning... So I decided to write it there to show Heather's sometimes cold attitude towards some stuff.
> 
> Anyways, I would love to get feedback, and I'll see you in the next chap!


	3. Hollow Words

Grabbing her bag and lunch, Heather activates the automatic door and stumbles out of the car. ‘Off to a good start....’ she thought. 

 

Her father chuckles at her. “Don’t worry Heather! Before you know it, the day would have been over before it even begun!”. Heather hums in response, blankly responding “Remember, 3:30 today,” 

 

“Alright, I’ll see you later!” The car door closes automatically, doing a U-turn slowly and in a matter of seconds speeds away immediately; her only escape is now gone.

 

Sighing as she walks to the reception, she reminds herself of her father’s comforting words during the car ride.

 

‘Nobody will think you’re weird’

 

‘It’s the first day! Everyone’s still in holiday mood, so don’t worry!’

 

_ (...as if those words can really comfort you.) _ A voice echoes in her head.

 

She stops thinking.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Having completed registration, Heather begins to make her way up the narrow stairs. Sometimes she wished the stairs were as wide as the ones in her previous school.

( _ But it’s all in the past, there’s no point remembering it.) _

 

She stops in her tracks as the sound of footsteps coming down can be heard _ (Please don’t let it be someone you know) _

 

A man with curly dirty blond hair, tall, and with a somewhat lanky body frame walks down.

 

Oh. It’s Mr Walker.

 

She looks down quickly, hoping her tutor wouldn’t recognise her.

  
  
  


He did.

  
  
  


“Good Morning Heather.” Mr Walker greets, as he gives off a nervous smile.

 

“Um, hello.” Heather quickly looks back up at him, giving him the best smile she can muster.

 

“How was your holiday?”

 

“...Emotional.” Heather’s eyes dart around in panic.

 

“Hmm... Sorry to hear, remember if there is anything on your mind you’re free to come to see me anytime, I hope to see you during tutor time someday.” Mr Walker consoled. As he walks away Heather looks on. ‘Someday.’ Heather agreed in her mind.

  
  


As she continues on her way, an upsetting feeling slowly emerges in her. Memories of her Summer holiday spring back into her mind. Looking back, it was mostly fun. The trip to Japan was happy, the sceneries were beautiful. Though the short time she spent in the UK… was anything but nice... As a result of overwork, Heather’s aunt had developed encephalitis quickly and was put in the intensive care unit.

It was no secret her husband has been the source of said overworking.

 

Everyone in the family knew that. 

Her husband was a strange one. He never talked to anyone and even when he did, he was a man of few words. Most of the time he spent was working in that  _ cursed  _ takeaway, the very place that caused so much sorrow for their family. 

 

The voice message that was sent to the family chat group still sends a chill down her spine whenever she thinks about it. 

 

‘I… love…you…  all…’ The sheer tiredness of her voice alarmed Heather and her family immediately during that day. Her parents immediately called Heather’s uncle and aunts that resides in the UK, for help. 

 

A trip to the UK was quickly planned.  Not too long after her arrival, Heather meets her cousin at her grandmother’s house. Her cousin, a fatigued look on his face, vented to her for almost the  
whole day, while all she could do was nod and comments, promising secrets here and there. The most Heather remembers out of this was her own nervousness and her cousin’s sorrowful touches of laughter.

 

The second day, she went to see her aunt. Silently trailing behind her family and cousins, she saw...

 

Before the thought could fully enter mind she stops herself from thinking any further.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

She peeked through the window of the room, the teachers were already there, sitting and chatting casually. An overwhelming feeling wells up in her, but she tries to push it aside as she slowly reaches for the handle.

“You’re always welcome here you know?” A voice says.

Heather quickly turns around and sees the owner of the voice. A petite, slender woman with chestnut brown hair smiles at her. 

“Oh uh, hey Lucy!” Heather musters up a smile.

“Hey! How was your holiday?” Heather suddenly felt depressed again, the memories of her holiday flood her mind. She wanted to lie, but knowing Lucy, she would be able to see through her weak façade...

“I don’t know. Emotional I guess.”

“Oh, what happened?” Lucy urged.

“...I’ll tell you another time” Heather opens the door and enters quietly. Lucy goes quiet and follows behind.

The room - the learning support department - was filled with house music. The teachers, some were chatting casually and some were minding their own business. Even though Heather entered quietly, all the teachers looked at her immediately, they said in unison:

“Hi, Heather!”

Trying not to squirm under the attention, Heather grips the edge of her shirt.

“Hi.” Was the only word she could muster as she gives off a weak smile in response. Almost as if on cue, the teachers go back to what they were doing.

Heather looks around the room. It hasn’t changed at all.

The room consists of two loveseats and two armchairs beside the door, all facing a table in the middle, behind the two armchairs were two desks, one on the left side of the room, one on the right, with two office chairs behind them. On the right side near the door, was an oval shaped table with 3 office chairs around it. On the far left next to the desk on the left was a small room for the school psychologists to have their sessions there as well as private discussions. And beside the room, was a small corner. The corner consists of a loveseat that was back to back against the loveseat that was facing the table. There were two floor oval-shaped floor cushions facing towards the loveseat, one next to the small room, one next to the window. Heather walks to the cushion next to the window.

Plopping herself on the seat, she takes her laptop out. With eagerness flowing through her she quickly types in her username and password and clicks on the app she was anticipating to use; Discord.

**NXR**

**Welp.**

**I feel like crying.**

  
  


**IronFistLee**

**You’re in school?**

  
  


Typing a response, she was stopped by a voice calling out for her.

  
  


“Heather?” She looks up. A skinny, tall woman with auburn shoulder-length hair kneel in front of her.

“Oh hi, Miss Anderson” Heather smiles.

“How was your holiday?”

“Emotional I guess.” Heather deadpans.

“Oh, what happened?” She internally debates whether she should tell her or not. Miss Anderson was always nice and funny, and down to earth most of the time. She tells Heather about her life a lot, so Heather decides to return the favour.

“My aunt got encephalitis and is in the intensive care unit right now.”

“Oh… sorry to hear.” Heather nods. Miss Anderson quickly changes the topic, “Well, anyways, you’ve got a math lesson today. And I would like you to attend the lesson.” Heather suddenly feels anxious.

“Uh…”

“If you’d like, Caroline can come with you, Jeffery isn’t here today.”

  
  


Ah, Jeffery. Jeffery was a boy with autism, just like Heather. But he was a more extreme case than her. And Caroline is a learning support teacher that was hired to support Jeffery full time. 

“Ah uh. Sure.” She knows it’s not what she wanted to say. But peer pressure says otherwise.

Miss Anderson gets up and talks to Caroline. Caroline nods. Heather only feels more anxiousness and dread welling up in her.

  
  
  


_ (What have you done Heather.) _

  
  
  


Heather focuses back onto her laptop, closes discord, and clicks through a series of folders and finds the one she wanted: For Comfort

She clicks on one and starts watching the video. A seal spinning around in the water with a childish melody playing in the background, she felt relaxed for a second but a heavy sense of dread overwhelms it immediately. A voice speaks shortly afterwards.

“Heather, are you ok?” Caroline looks at her worriedly. Heather looks at her in confusion. After a second, she realises why; she was panting. She takes in a deep breath, the feeling lessens a bit, but it’s better than nothing.

“Ah uh, yeah I’m fine.”

  
  
  


_ (No you’re not.) _

  
  
  


“Um, ok. Maths is going to start soon, so we better go now.”

Heather nods and starts packing.

She closes her laptop and puts it back in her bag, a source of comfort now gone. Zipping the bag, she was ready to go.

“You ready?”

“Yeah.”

  
  
  


_ (Never.) _

  
  
  


She stands up and walks away from her comfort corner, and promptly leaves the room.

They walk together in silence as Heather looks down. Caroline asked.

“Are you really okay?”

“I’m okay,” And with that silence returns to the halls as a sense of guilt builds up within Heather’s body.

  
  
  


...After all, she knows these are just hollow words.   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So uh, the words in brackets and italics? Those, I like to imagine, are Heather's negative side's thoughts.
> 
> Again, thanks for reading! I'm just happy to know that at least people are reading this lol.

**Author's Note:**

> Heya, thanks for reading to the end!
> 
>  
> 
> I would love to get some feedback from you guys! Again, thank you for reading until the end of this.


End file.
